- Messages
- 795
- Points
- 1,070
On the Farm
Little Johnny lives on a farm. He gets up and goes down to the kitchen for his breakfast. He gets into the kitchen and his mother asks
"Have you done your chores?" Johnny replies "No, not yet" So his mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Late for school
Little Johnny walked into class an hour late one morning.
His teacher asked, "Why are you so late today, Johnny?"
Little Johnny explained, "Well there was this little old lady outside looking everywhere for a £20 note she had dropped. I was out there with her while she was searching for so long."
A bit surprised, the teacher tells him, "Well that was actually pretty kind of you to help her look for the money."
Little Johnny says, "Help her look for it? No Miss, I couldn't take my foot off the fecking £20 note until she left."
Medicine man
Little Johnny is in the classroom when the teacher pricks her hand on a pin.
"Miss, you should put that in some apple cider".
"That's a bit strange. Why is that, little Johnny?"
"Well, my sister says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she puts it in cider"
Learning the hard way
Little Johnny came down to Breakfast.
His Mum says, "What do you want for breakfast Johnny?"
Johnny Replies, "Just give me some feckin' corn flakes!"
His Mum, shocked at first, grabs the broom and begins to beat the shit out of little Johnny. Johnny screams for his life.
All the while Johnny's little brother Timmy witnesses all of this and is staring at Johnny who is now in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing.
His mother, still out of breath, looks up at Timmy.
"Well," says his mother, "What do you want for breakfast?"
Timmy says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell don't want no feckin' corn flakes!"
Literature
Little Johnny was in English class and the teacher was going over a section on poetry and prose.
Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go.
That is an example of poetry, but if I wanted it to become prose, I could change the last line to ‘the lamb went with her’
Does anybody have an example of poetry or prose?
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher signaled to begin
Mary had a little pig, An ornery little runt, He stuck his nose up her skirt, And sniffed her filthy…
Do you want poetry or prose? asked Johnny.
Prose! Exclaimed the teacher.
Asshole! Yelled Johnny.
Gardening time
Teacher is teaching class about gardening tools. She pulls out a shovel and asks if anyone knows what it is? Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls his name…”That is a shovel”, The teacher says; “That is correct”. Next the teacher pulls out a rake and asks the class if they know what it is, and Little Johnny is the only one with a raised hand so the teacher calls on him again. This time he says “That is rake”. The teacher says; “That is correct”. Next the teacher pulls out a hoe and asks the class if they know what it is. Nobody in the class raises their hand and the teacher says; “Johnny, I thought you would know this one as well…this is a hoe”. Little Johnny says; “What!!, my sister is a hoe and she don’t look like that!!”
Biology
Little Johnny is in Biology class when the teacher points to a picture of a naked woman.
"Suzie, can you tell me what these are?" asked the teacher. "Yes Miss, those are breasts." replied Suzie. "Very good," said the teacher. "And how many do women have?" "2, one on each side." replied Suzie.
The teacher pointed a picture of a man and asks, "Little Johnny, what is this?" "That's a penis Miss." replied Johnny. "Very good, Johnny." Said Teacher "How many do men have?" "2!" Replied Johnny proudly. "2?, how do you figure 2, Little Johnny?" Asked Teacher. "Well, my dad has 2. 1 little one he pees with, and a loooong one he uses to brush Mummy's teeth."
Sex Ed
Johnny walks into the bedroom as his parents are having sex.
He points to his Mum’s vagina and asks “what’s that?”
Flustered by the question the Dad says, “that’s where Daddy hit Mummy with the axe.”
“Pretty good shot” says Johnny, “got her right in the C**t !”
And a random one I found funny
What's another name for ejaculating inside a woman?
Loading the dishwasher!
Little Johnny lives on a farm. He gets up and goes down to the kitchen for his breakfast. He gets into the kitchen and his mother asks
"Have you done your chores?" Johnny replies "No, not yet" So his mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Late for school
Little Johnny walked into class an hour late one morning.
His teacher asked, "Why are you so late today, Johnny?"
Little Johnny explained, "Well there was this little old lady outside looking everywhere for a £20 note she had dropped. I was out there with her while she was searching for so long."
A bit surprised, the teacher tells him, "Well that was actually pretty kind of you to help her look for the money."
Little Johnny says, "Help her look for it? No Miss, I couldn't take my foot off the fecking £20 note until she left."
Medicine man
Little Johnny is in the classroom when the teacher pricks her hand on a pin.
"Miss, you should put that in some apple cider".
"That's a bit strange. Why is that, little Johnny?"
"Well, my sister says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she puts it in cider"
Learning the hard way
Little Johnny came down to Breakfast.
His Mum says, "What do you want for breakfast Johnny?"
Johnny Replies, "Just give me some feckin' corn flakes!"
His Mum, shocked at first, grabs the broom and begins to beat the shit out of little Johnny. Johnny screams for his life.
All the while Johnny's little brother Timmy witnesses all of this and is staring at Johnny who is now in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing.
His mother, still out of breath, looks up at Timmy.
"Well," says his mother, "What do you want for breakfast?"
Timmy says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell don't want no feckin' corn flakes!"
Literature
Little Johnny was in English class and the teacher was going over a section on poetry and prose.
Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go.
That is an example of poetry, but if I wanted it to become prose, I could change the last line to ‘the lamb went with her’
Does anybody have an example of poetry or prose?
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher signaled to begin
Mary had a little pig, An ornery little runt, He stuck his nose up her skirt, And sniffed her filthy…
Do you want poetry or prose? asked Johnny.
Prose! Exclaimed the teacher.
Asshole! Yelled Johnny.
Gardening time
Teacher is teaching class about gardening tools. She pulls out a shovel and asks if anyone knows what it is? Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls his name…”That is a shovel”, The teacher says; “That is correct”. Next the teacher pulls out a rake and asks the class if they know what it is, and Little Johnny is the only one with a raised hand so the teacher calls on him again. This time he says “That is rake”. The teacher says; “That is correct”. Next the teacher pulls out a hoe and asks the class if they know what it is. Nobody in the class raises their hand and the teacher says; “Johnny, I thought you would know this one as well…this is a hoe”. Little Johnny says; “What!!, my sister is a hoe and she don’t look like that!!”
Biology
Little Johnny is in Biology class when the teacher points to a picture of a naked woman.
"Suzie, can you tell me what these are?" asked the teacher. "Yes Miss, those are breasts." replied Suzie. "Very good," said the teacher. "And how many do women have?" "2, one on each side." replied Suzie.
The teacher pointed a picture of a man and asks, "Little Johnny, what is this?" "That's a penis Miss." replied Johnny. "Very good, Johnny." Said Teacher "How many do men have?" "2!" Replied Johnny proudly. "2?, how do you figure 2, Little Johnny?" Asked Teacher. "Well, my dad has 2. 1 little one he pees with, and a loooong one he uses to brush Mummy's teeth."
Sex Ed
Johnny walks into the bedroom as his parents are having sex.
He points to his Mum’s vagina and asks “what’s that?”
Flustered by the question the Dad says, “that’s where Daddy hit Mummy with the axe.”
“Pretty good shot” says Johnny, “got her right in the C**t !”
And a random one I found funny
What's another name for ejaculating inside a woman?
Loading the dishwasher!
